


If He Do Blench

by ERNest



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Introspection, Moral Dilemmas, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 04:12:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12124263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ERNest/pseuds/ERNest
Summary: Today the actors are come hither, and when he most wants someone to just tell him what to do, there is no way and no one to ask.James Kirk faces the past.





	If He Do Blench

     Some decisions shouldn’t have to be made by a single person, because every option is wrong and horrible and no one could bear the weight of having made it. But the situations that make those choices necessary don’t just go away because of “should be.”

     Jim has faced more of these conundrums than most and it never gets any easier and shouldn’t, either. He _could_ put it down as a hazard of the job, but where other captains might turn aside before it gets too bad, he never abandons someone who even _looks_ like they might need help. But at least he’s not alone for most of it. On one side a medical officer reminds him of the heart of things, and on the other, a Vulcan enigma’s cold pragmatism comes from a place of deep caring, and together they help him find the path. He doesn’t always take their advice and even they are not infallible, but to know they’re asking the same impossible questions is a comfort.

     Today the actors are come hither, and when he most wants someone to just tell him what to do, there is no way and no one to ask. It’s not _fair_ that he was tricked into a situation in which he can in no way be objective _and_ which cannot be allowed to simply pass by with no comment. Then again, it wasn’t fair for a fourteen year old boy to starve and be told that there would be even less food to go around if not for thousands of executions, as if that was any excuse. Nothing about this is _fair_ , but here he is, and despite his insistence that Kodos is dead he looks into the direst of warnings because he can’t _not_.

     Jim Kirk flirts with everyone, not for romance or even sex, but because he is nice and people want to be around the warmth of his smile. And yes, sometimes he uses his skillset as a lever to get him the places he needs to go. Of course he knows who Lenore is but he doesn’t yet know who her father is and until he learns that he must keep a tight hold on her. In return for reeling the actors’ troupe into his clutches, this woman speaks to him about the stars and pretends to be interested in his tour of even the service hallways. Though she doesn’t quite understand who and what his ship is to him, he appreciates that she tries.

     Now for the father. Like Kirk, Kodos-or-Karidian wants to walk on and rewrite himself as a new person with the dismal chapters of his life locked shut. And both men carry with them more than an idle wish to die, but that’s as far as the resemblance goes. The man who has ruined so many lives, no matter his reasoning, doesn’t get to say that it’s time for everyone else to let it go with no harm done. That would be quite bad enough, but to hear him twist what he has done into his own personal tragedy is enough to turn his stomach. Even if the actor is not an Executioner, the idea that Kodos could ever be a hero urges Jim to appoint _himself_ one; he does not want to let him walk out of this room alive. Only his responsibilities as a Captain and a tiny shred of doubt can force him to walk away.

     The time to decide is closing in and all he has are these: the absolute conviction of a dear friend and fellow eyewitness, now dead; a science officer who won’t stop prying into his private affairs; an admonition to remember the difference between justice and vengeance; another survivor who must continue to survive; a talented thespian and the knowledge that actors can lie; a body that cannot help but remember the trauma of that voice, and a computer that confirms those suspicions but not _enough_ ; and four thousand ghosts at his back, begging to rest easier.

     He needs _time_ to reason out what he’s going to do, and space to feel his way through an issue that only gets darker the deeper he goes. Jim is not an innocent man, whatever Karidian may be, and it is this thought which gives him pause every time he thinks he’s made up his mind. But time is the one thing he doesn’t have, and two urgent calls later he must go stop his lieutenant from making the same mistake he dearly wishes he could lose enough control to make himself.

     The world he walks in does not exist. It is a bunch of painted boards, music which means the same as mood, and language and clothes from half a millennium ago. And yet for all it is fiction the words spoken on that stage stir real emotions that anyone can understand. Backstage, the same old drama unfolds. Inaction is itself a judgment. It was true twenty years ago when sending aid to Tarsus IV was deemed “inadvisable” and it would be now. He cannot let Kodos go unpunished; he cannot let Kevin Riley be the one to end up with blood on his hands. When his lieutenant finally releases the phaser it is not a concession so much as deflation. If there were more time they might share an embrace, but Kirk only watches him long enough to make sure he’s really leaving.

     In the shadowy wings between stage crew and audience, Lenore defends the man who raised her from anyone whose mere existence could pose a threat. This devotion is nearly commendable, but her vision of her father was never real, and the man who pleads with his daughter _knows_ that. Like Lady Macbeth, she strives to wash her hands of blood shed by someone else. Instead of staring eyes and candlewax she purges guilt by layering on ever more gore.

     From behind an arras Jim can see this sad and terrifying young woman tempted toward the flood, and he doesn’t know what to do. Kodos wails that he has nothing left, that even the child intended for a clean break is not unsullied by the past. It is this cry, more than anything else these past few harrowing days, which makes up Jim’s mind for him. It was all but a confession, and the _gall_ of a mass murderer to think he deserves anything that will let him forget when entire generations never could.

     He holds Kodos impassively, and looks his daughter in the eye as he calls for the guard. Lenore grabs a phaser and steps backwards onto the proscenium proper to let the curtain lift on this stale drama. If her father does not survive this encounter, she swears, neither will the Enterprise, two souls floating among the stars. Kodos intercepts a phaser blast meant for Kirk and she crumples to his side but does not sob. She just recites speeches they must have practiced together many times in her childhood. Jim gives her a moment alone with her grief; even someone like Lenore deserves that much. When at last he helps her rise from her melodious lay, he does not look at her.

     Much much later, he reconsiders the conversation they had overlooking the escape pods. The girl had wondered if the ship made him see the women in his crew as “just people,” and he answered no, they would still be women. Father and daughter both brought into question his ability to remain human, parroting the much bigger machine of society gone rotten enough to change its victims into something hardly even people. Or at least that’s what it felt like for a time, the way people would _look_ at him and see only an expendable, and the way he could count every rib in the hospital where he recovered.

     Lenore tried to trap him as surely as he tried to trap her, but even if he had known exactly what she was doing, he would have walked into it in much the same way. Even if his history did not sway him to take responsibility, she would have found a way onto his ship. They are both many things but they have this in common: once they were children touched by the exact same horrors and fighting a darkly beating memory in their chests. The gears of the past ground them against each other and if he couldn’t save her, neither could he free himself.


End file.
